California Dreamin'

Snapfish is having a photo contest & the theme is "red".
This was the picture I submitted - the flowers are along one of the walkways in our apartment complex. If I win, I get 24 free prints of any pictures I want printed!

I'm California Dreamin' these days. Especially today. Not because I miss my family, or friends, the ocean, palm trees, sunshine or Togo's sandwiches (although I do). Today I'm California Dreamin' because Brent is there.

See, we're essentially broke, even though I'm working. But poor Brent - everything he has tried up here just hasn't turned out. So once again, Brent loaded up his tools and drove his battered old Explorer down to California to go do some work for his old boss Allen. Hopefully he will be able to come home for a short weekend in a couple of weeks, but for the most part he will be gone the rest of the summer, unless by some miracle he finally gets a job up here. Its been a day only and already I miss him fiercely. I thought I would be better prepared for missing him as much as I do, but our little apartment just feels so empty. But financially, this is the best thing for us right now. I have to say, I have never fully appreciated what my sister-in-law Meshell went through while Ben was at boot camp. I empathized & sympathized but now I get it, and this isn't even a fraction of what she must have felt during those long months.

I had a strange moment today. I was on my way home from work and just getting off the freeway. The stoplight at my exit is long, so if I hit it right when it turns red I know I'm going to be sitting there for a good 5 minutes. Today, standing on the side of the freeway exit was a homeless man asking for money. Now, this may not be very Christian of me, but I am not the sort of person who hands out money to homeless people. I just don't. Not because I'm being mean, but I just... never really think about it. However, today I did. I have no idea what compelled me to roll down the window & hand the guy a couple of dollars (the only cash I had on me), but he was so genuine in his thanks that I had to ask him why he was panhandling for money. He told me that he had moved to Utah from Texas for a job in construction, but when he realized that the company he was working for was ripping people off - using sub-standard materials, not finishing things up to code, etc - he went to his boss & they fired him. Now he is standing on the side of a freeway asking for money & sleeping in a homeless shelter while he tried to find new work.

Now, I have heard a lot of lines in my day but this guy... I believed him. Every word. He jokingly asked me if I had a job for him & I, unthinking, jokingly replied back that if he found one for my husband they could work together. We laughed for a second, then really looked at each other. I don't know what was showing in my face, but his whole expression changed when he looked at me & I can't explain it. I told this man that I would pray for him. He smiled at me and said "Ma'am, I don't think God knows who I am, but if he does then I'll say a prayer for you as a thank you for the kindness you've shown me today." For the life of me, I couldn't think of a response. I just stared at him, and he just smiled at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking. Then the light turned green & he waved me off.

The rest of my drive home was a blur. I just remember I got home and I cried and cried and cried. I have been such a foolish girl. Yes, things are hard here, harder than they were in California. I don't know why, but today meeting a homeless man on the side of the freeway reminded me of something that I told Heavenly Father right before we moved. I said to Him "OK. You're driving. Have at it." I put my faith in Him. Somewhere in the last 5 months, I lost my faith. I think a lot of it was that Brent & I really felt like Utah is where we belonged, and every since we arrived it has been one giant battle after the next, and the hill seems ever steeper. Lately, I have started to believe that moving to Utah was a giant mistake, that we were completely wrong, I even started figuring out how to best move back to California, where we would live & what kind of job, if any, I could find there. But today I remembered that the only thing that kept us going during the 10 days of our move was faith. We knew, we knew, that we were being led here for a reason and that everything was going to be all right. It hasn't been all right, not at all, but somewhere I forgot that burning in my heart that told me I was doing the right thing.

We are being tested, Brent & I. I don't know why, but today I realized I don't have to know why. Because my Heavenly Father is still driving. And we're going to be ok.